


I Love You More

by BlueOrbit



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bingo, Changki Bingo, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Soft Im Changkyun | I.M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-10-29 03:59:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17800664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueOrbit/pseuds/BlueOrbit
Summary: “I’m sorry Mr Im. Pills doesn’t cure the illness, they just postpone the inevitable end.” Doctor says grasping his hands together.“For how long do they work?”“At best 6 months.”Changkyun nods his head to the old man who has pitiful eyes directed at him. He must have look like an idiot to the doctor but what can he do?He will either lose all his feelings or his life. So Changkyun chooses the way he can bear.“I’ll take the pills.”





	1. Changkyun

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my dear changkinators!!  
> The bingo time is here and this is my first work for Changki Bingo I hope you like it. I worked on this for a few weeks and deleted, updated, plucked my hairs a lot. I'm happy with the result because writing this was so much fun. I added something little things to Hanahaki but I bet you won't even notice.  
> It's gonna be 2 chapters, this chapter tells the story from Changkyun'a point if view and second chapter will be both Kihyun and Changkyun. I plan to post the second chapter and finish this story when I'm home so it's gonna be a few days later.  
> Have fun and tell me what you think!!  
> And if you like it leave a kudos or comment!!  
> Love you all^^

Changkyun doesn’t know how all of this started. One minute he was laughing with his members to the scene at a movie where a guy drops the ice cream cone in his hand inside a pasta and the next minute something is rising up in his lungs, blocking him from taking a proper breath. He was feeling weird all day for some reason he can’t remember.

Maybe it was because he was already feeling unwell for a few days due to their tight schedule or maybe he got sick because he went out without a jacket to look for Kihyun to say it’s their turn to perform and found him next to Sooyeon. Kihyun and Sooyeon were talking about the award shows as much as Changkyun could hear and Kihyun was smiling at her when she talked. Changkyun didn’t want to interrupt them so he just stood there until Kihyun realised he is there but it took at least ten minutes, enough to break something inside Changkyun. So yeah that’s must be the reason. He must have get cold, yes. That’s why he is feeling this weird sting in his chest. He coughed a few times to make it go away but the sting is stubborn like a cat, it’s still there. 

Changkyun starts to feel annoyed after a while and decides to go to the bathroom. Everyone is so focused to the movie on tv but Hyungwon who sits beside him notices Changkyun is weird.  
“Hey are you okay?” He asks as he takes a sip from his coke. His eyes are still on the tv and a smile is lingering on his lips.

Changkyun nods as he gets up from his place slowly not to draw any attention from the others. “Yeah. I just need to use the bathroom.” He says before he makes a beeline to inside. The stinging feeling is getting stronger so he quickly rushes to the bathroom and closes the door behind him. The blocking feeling gets stronger, like there are something in his chest and they are trying to get out. He grasps his shirt like he can feel his lungs as he felt nauseous and he kneels to the toilet.  
Something is coming up, climbing up from his lungs to his mouth. He feels his eyes get blurry do to the weird feeling and urge to cough. After a few cough Changkyun painfully did, blue petals fall from his mouth. He looks at them with an awe. They are looking beautiful, blue and delicate but how did they get into him? Did he eat a seed or something? Well even if he did, is that possible for him to throw up flowers? He must have eat something wrong Changkyun thinks and throw the petals scattered around into the toilet and flushes them. He stands up and looks at himself in the mirror. He is looking exhausted, his skin is pale and his eye bags are visible. His hair is a mess and his neck is red because he tried to scratch it.

Weird, Changkyun thinks. He must have tire himself too much. They have been working non-stop since march. The world tour, the comeback, the jingle ball, all those interviews they had, all those hours in planes and hotels. And now it’s the end of the year and they are going to award shows back to back to perform better each time. Changkyun splashes water on his face a few times and dries it with towel after that. The towel smells nice, something like lavender which reminds him of some brunette he likes to wash the clothes with perfume detergents.

He smiles at himself as opens the door and someone is leaning on the wall across the bathroom, waiting.

“Hey.” Kihyun gets up coming to him. His brown hair is a mess and his blue pyjamas are big on him but he is looking cute. He always looks cute to Changkyun.

“Are you okay?” He asks with a worried tone and Changkyun’s heart aches. This is a new development too. Actually it’s not that new, Changkyun always knew he had a crush on their talented vocalist since the moment he told them to go in and sit with the other trainees back in No Mercy but his feelings got stronger and stronger during years and he lost control over heart. A sweet defeat he was willing to have.

And now whatever Kihyun say or do leaves a scratch on Changkyun’s heart, more damaging than he can bare.

Changkyun shrugs his shoulders and flashes a soft smile to elder with a nod. Kihyun doesn’t look convinced, he checks Changkyun with a suspicious look in his eyes.

“I’m okay don’t worry.”

Except he wasn’t.

This petal throwing up thing continues and Changkyun starts to get annoyed. The second time is when they are getting ready for an award show and the staff help them get ready for their very anticipated stage. It’s his turn to have his hair done and he sit down starting to play with his phone as the makeup noona do her work. He scrolls through his phone, fans are waiting for their performance eagerly. He is happy that they are getting more attention because his team has the best players in the industry. Shownu is a great person who balances the group very well and becomes like a father figure for them when in need. Minhyuk and Hyungwon know each other for so long and they make a really great couple who completes each other. They are more than just visuals, they are also great glues for the group. Wonho is like the brain of it all, he is the genius behind the doors, the leader in the shadow. Jooheon is Changkyun’s partner in crime, wherever he go Changkyun would follow him without a blink.

And than there is Kihyun. The infamous vocal who eat cds instead of cereal at the breakfast. The only person Changkyun wants to listen until he gives his last breath. The man who always makes toasts when Changkyun gets homesick. The man who works harder than anyone in the group and stay late to help anyone in the studio even though his work is done. The man causes the slow waves crashing in Changkyun’s belly. Yeah Kihyun, the only song Changkyun can’t write no matter how much he tries.

“Okay Changkyun get up, your makeup is finished.” The makeup noona says and Changkyun feels like somebody nudged him when he is having a beautiful hallucination. He gets up from his seat and thanks to the girl, goes behind to sit on of the chairs.

“Kihyun oppa you look really good today.”

Changkyun snaps his head through the voice but he can’t see anything so he gets up and follows the voice. 

A small chuckle escapes from those red lips painted before Changkyun sit on the chair and Kihyun’s eyes cringle as his lips stay pulled up. Changkyun feels a tug inside his lungs when the elder winks at the girl playfully. A sudden feeling of nausea hits him, making it hard for him to stay still so he leans the wall. He takes a few breath and quickly moves to the bathroom. He gets in a stall and can’t help but cough. His eyes gets watery as he throws up purple petals into the toilet sink. It’s not much but it’s enough to make Changkyun suspicious. This is the second time he throw up petals. And it’s been only a few days since the last time. Changkyun thinks he may have some sort of disease as he leaves the stall. He checks up his reflection on the mirror. His tears made a way through his face and cracked foundation. Eyeliner is smudged around the corners and there is no such a thing as lip gloss anymore. The makeup noona will kill him he is sure. He splashes water on a few times and wipes his face with towels and the remaining makeup leaves prints on them. He goes back and hopes to pull noona to the side without anyone noticing but she yells when she sees him.

“IM CHANGKYUN WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR MAKE UP?”

Everybody looks at him and everybody includes Kihyun too who is playing pubg at the corner with Minhyuk. He drops his phone and looks at the rapper’s face. Maybe there is a curious look in his eyes but Changkyun turns away. He rather to see fuming noona’s blood red eyes than those soft brown ones. Changkyun flashes an apologetic smile as the makeup noona grabs his arm and sits him on the chair.

“What were you doing? All of the eyeliner, foundation, lip gloss everything is gone. You should be on stage in 5 minutes.” She harshly put some foundation on Changkyun’s face. “And look at your eyes. They are all read. Were you crying?”

Changkyun quickly shakes his head. He doesn’t want anyone to think he was crying or anything because he wasn’t. It was due to those petals. He doesn’t need anyone’s attention but of course it doesn’t go as he wish because the room is small enough to everyone to hear noona’s words.

Jooheon quickly comes to his side and places his hands to the younger’s chin, turning his head to himself.

“Ya! What happened? Your eyes are all red.” He asks with big round eyes saying that he is worried. Noona swats his hand away while the elder rapper pouts at her as she ignores and continues to do her work.

“Nothing hyung. The lenses bothered me.” Changkyun smiles at Jooheon through the mirror. The rapper doesn’t look relieved but he doesn’t push either.

“Guys come on. It’s our turn.” Shownu gets up fixing his jacket.

“Okay Changkyun you are ready. Go straight up to the stage before ruining your makeup. Again.” Noona tells and he gets up quickly, following their leader. They take their places on the platform, waiting to level up on stage in the dark.

They hear a click and start to level up. Changkyun hears his leaders voice “Okay guys. Let’s do our best as always.” and Changkyun may or may not hear someone whispering “You weren’t wearing contact lenses.” but he can’t figure out who that is due to dark and loud intro. They go up and Changkyun gives his everything on the stage, making crowd go crazy. As always.

 

Third time however things happened in a way Changkyun didn’t wish them to be and he began to realize something. This stupid petal thing happens when he sees Kihyun and feels a pull in his chest. Maybe it’s jealousy or he feels protective but Changkyun knows it’s not caused by some radioactive mushroom. 

He is laying on the couch watching a superhero movie with Jooheon who is a certified nerd. The older rapper loves to watch any kind of movie but he has a passion for superheros and Changkyun loves to spend time with his hyung. Changkyun likes this kind of days where they have a free schedule and do anything they want. He takes a chip from the bowl on his belly and feeds Jooheon who is laying next to him. They watch the movie for the nth time but it doesn’t matter because they always watch it with the same enthusiasm, laughing at jokes at the same time and repeating quotes with the artists.

The male lead shoots an arrow and the stick flies off hitting the villain and falls off. Changkyun laughs at the scene when he hears some door opening and Kihyun comes from his room looking amazing. His hair is styled back, his red patterned sweatshirt looks casual and matches with his black jeans.

“Hyung are you going somewhere?” Long forgetting about the movie Changkyun snaps his head through him, asking with a curiosity. He sits up and bawl slide from his tummy but Jooheon catches it before it fall to the ground. Changkyun doesn’t care because some chips don’t matter to him more than Kihyun who wears his black jacket. He looks like those dangerous but tempting characters who steal the girl at the end of the movie.

“I’m going out to meet with friends.” Kihyun replies while he ties his shoes neatly. He straightens up and opens the door his phone rings as he goes out.

“Hi Sooyeon-ah. I’m on my way…” And the door closes leaving Changkyun who stares at the wooden frame with empty eyes.

“Sooyeon? From Flora5?” Jooheon says and an image of a brown haired, thin, beautiful girl image comes before Changkyun’s eyes. It’s the same girl Kihyun talked back in the award show, the one who makes Kihyun smile. Changkyun feels a burn in his chest and oh no, he knows this feeling.  
“Hyung I need to—I gotta go to the bathroom.” He gets up quickly before waiting for elder to reply and rushes to the bathroom with quick feet. He locks the door behind him barely as he throw himself before the toilet. He remembers the ripping feeling from the last time but somehow it’s stronger. He doesn’t try to hold himself, there is no point of doing that so he just pours all the petals into the toilet. It feels like a long time until the soft petals leave his lungs and he can feel relieved. He sits on the floor, resting his head on the door as he coughs the remaining a few.

“Changkyun-ah are you okay?” Jooheon knocks the door and Changkyun tries to catch his breath to answer him.

“Yeah…” He tries to sound solid. “I uh… I guess I upset my stomach.”

“We shouldn’t eat ice cream with coke. Okay I paused the movie. I’m waiting for you.”

“Okay hyung, you go. I’ll be right there.”

After he feels better he gets up and looks at the pinkish petals before he flush. He splash some water to his face and feels slightly better. This is the third time. Maybe he should do something about this.

“Colonoscopy is amazing. They let me sleep for an hour and I feel great!” Wonho says as he get out from the room in his pink hospital suit. All of the members are having their yearly medical examination. Changkyun wanted to be the last one to get in because he wanted to talk about his little “problem” with the doctor freely. He already gave blood and had xrays while he waits for the last member who just walked out of the door.

“Don’t worry Kyunnie it doesn’t hurt.” Wonho comes near and pinches the younger one’s cheek when he realizes Changkyun is looking worried. 

“Thank you hyung. See you later.” Younger smiles and goes in leaving a now worried Wonho behind. Changkyun is slightly off lately. He starts to lose weight, he looks weaker each day. The members talk about this amongst themselves and thought it’s due to their job stress. Everyone of them is having hard times but Changkyun is the maknae, he is the youngest so he must have taking it more harsh. Wonho thinks maybe he should stay back and wait for him until he is done and after that they can go for the blood test together. With that he stays back playing with his phone to past some time, gets into twitter and uploads some photos of himself. He is happy with the responses and reads the replies that monbebe wish him to be healthy and ask him to take care of his body.

After some time the door opens and doctor calls a nurse which is unusual because something like this didn’t happened during his examination. He gets up as the nurse leave, hurries to the room to ask what’s going on but doctor closes the door before he can reach.

“Hyung what happened?” Kihyun comes from the other side. Hoseok looks worried.

“I need to find a nurse. I forgot to ask something. Changkyun is inside. Can you wait for him?” Hoseok asks as he leaves a confused Kihyun behind.

Kihyun finished his check up early and when he is done he decided to come wait for the younger because he knew he’d be going in last.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Changkyun enters the room and closes the door behind. The doctor is a middle aged. There are whites in his hair and sharp edged glasses gives out a fatherly sense. Changkyun goes and sits on the chair for usual questions. After he answered things like his age, does he drink or not, does he smoke etc etc doctor asks if he has any questions before the test.

“Doctor Kim actually I have a problem. I mean I don’t know if it’s a problem but…”

“You can tell me anything Mr Im. I’m under patient-doctor agreement so you don’t have to worry. Nothing you say will leave this room.” Doctor Kim fixes his glasses with an assuring smile and motions him to go on.

“I throw up flowers. Occasisonally.” Changkyun says with a little hesitation.

Doctor Kim looks surprised. Clearly he didn’t expect something like this.

“You throw up flowers?” Changkyun nods and Doctor Kim scribbles something to his notebook. 

“Can you tell me when did it start? And how often does it happen?”

Changkyun furrows his burrows as he tries to remember. It feels like a long time.

“I guess it started 2 months ago. And I don’t know how often but lately it’s happening almost on a daily basis.”

Doctor nods as he get up and examines Changkyun’s chest and Changkyun slightly flinches when something stings. Doctor checks him and takes a deep breath. From his behaviour Changkyun can tell he will not like what doctor will say.

“Mr Im I believe you have hanahaki disease. Have you ever heard of it?”

Changkyun shakes his head. It’s something he never heard and the name kinda sounds fake.  
“You are in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. You see, hanahaki is an illness that eats up a person inside due to their strong one sided love.”

The words sinks into Changkyun’s heart, hurting more than throwing up the petals.

“So the person I love don’t like me back?” He says bitterly. He knew he had no chance with the elder but his body feeling and reacting to this is something he could never imagine. His body knows the fact his stupid heart choose to ignore.

Kihyun doesn’t love him back.

“I’m sorry but that’s the situation you have.” The doctor says and Changkyun look around on the table.

“Is there any way to cure it?”

“You can have surgery to remove the feelings and with that you will get rid of the flowers too.”

Changkyun shakes his head immediately. “No. No way.” He would rather die to not feel like his heart is gonna burst when he sees those brown eyes.

“Well if you say so…” Doctor hesitates before he talk. “There is another option. You can use pills to slow down the process and supress the symptoms.”

Changkyun is interested. If this pills work why not he doesn’t take them?

“Okay. How does it work?”

“Pills help slowing down the process as I said. You won’t feel nauseous but as the time goes by the petals colours will change and the thorns start to get bigger and stronger until they rip your lungs. And then you will…”

Changkyun waits for him to talk but understand what he tries to say when he replay the end of the sentence and he completes.

“And then I will die.”

“I’m sorry Mr Im. Pills doesn’t cure the illness, they just postpone the inevitable end.” Doctor says grasping his hands together.

“For how long do they work?”

“At best 6 months.”

Changkyun nods his head to the old man who has pitiful eyes directed at him. He must have look like an idiot to the doctor but what can he do?

He will either lose all his feelings or his life. So Changkyun chooses the way he can bear.

“I’ll take the pills.”  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pills work. At least for a while. Changkyun feels better after he started to take them. At least he doesn’t feel that ripping feel in his chest or the nauseous. The headaches are gone too. There is this slight itch but he can ignore that easily because now he can be around the elder as much as he wants. Not just Changkyun but the others feel the change too. He smiles more easily like he used to do, he is not edgy. He talks with his hyung playfully, pull stupid pranks with Minhyuk, pets Yoshi and Gucci with Jooheon. Sleeps with Hyungwon and he even went to the gym with Shownu for twice. Everybody is content and watch him with a fondness in their eyes.

Of course Changkyun is above heavens because he feels more comfortable around Kihyun and the elder seems more happy. Changkyun doesn’t avoid him like he did for the past months and talks like they used to do. Everything is going great.

“Hyung.” Changkyun opens the door slowly and enters before the owner of the room say anything. Kihyun drops the book he is reading to his lap and looks at the younger who stands next the door with his pillow. Kihyun doesn’t have to be a genius to understand he came to sleep with him but he asks anyway.

“What happened?”

Changkyun comes closer but he is hesitant if he should just stand or sit next to Kihyun. He scratches his head and looks around.

“Minhyuk hyung is shooting one of his vlogs and we have that photoshoot for that magazine so we need to get up early but I can’t sleep.” He decides to sit. What does he have to lose anyway? “Can I sleep with you?” He asks shyly like a seventeen year old boy and his cheek blush in a way Kihyun finds cute. His oversized hoodie,shorts and round glasses makes him look like a smart collage boy. Kihyun smiles at the younger and feels happy for Changkyun to come to him so he moves away to make a space for younger to join him and he does put his pillow next to Kihyun’s and lies next to the older one with a big smile on his face. Kihyun closes the book but Changkyun stops him, asking him to read the book out loud and Kihyun does. He reads the lines one by one and Changkyun listens his voice. It’s like a bless. The way Kihyun’s lips move as he talks, his concentrated expression on his small face when he doesn’t understand a sentence. His perfect eyebrows and messy brown hairs are art. He is just perfect. Perfect enough to bring tears to Changkyun’s eyes.

The elder is the embodiment of everything Changkyun wants and knowing he doesn’t want him back hurts Changkyun. It’s not like he wants to force him to love no but he secretly wishes for Kihyun to love him back. At least half of the amount Changkyun love him and that would be enough. But the pills he is taking and slightly stinging pain in his chest reminds him that the person Changkyun is willing to die for doesn’t love him back.

“Hey Kyunnie. What’s wrong?” Kihyun drops the book with a worried face and reaches out to touch the younger’s cheeks with his warm hands. Changkyun sniffles and shakes his head to assure the other one, there is nothing wrong but his tears don’t stop, they are determined to prove him wrong. Kihyun puts the book away and slides down next to him. He covers them with blanket as the younger scoots closer and puts his head to Kihyun’s shoulder who pats his back to comfort him.

“Hyung…” His voice sound weak, worrying the elder.

“What happened Kyun? Tell me. I’m here for you.”

Maybe he should tell. Maybe Changkyun should tell him that he loves Kihyun’s voice, his walnut chin when he tries to hold his laugh, his piercing eyes when he is on stage, his caring self when Changkyun doesn’t feel well. Maybe he would love him back. Maybe he wouldn’t disgust and push him away. Maybe he won’t say Changkyun is a horrible person who is in love with his member who supposed to be just his brother and he deserve what is happening to him. Maybe…

“Nothing. Nothing just—The book was too emotional. I couldn’t help myself.” He lies, trying to supress the voice in his head.

“Are you sure? ‘Cause I know you are lying.” Kihyun draws back and looks at his face. Changkyun shakes his head but he just looks so small. Kihyun feels his heart aches because Changkyun lost a lot of weight despite Kihyun’s effort to make him gain some by feeding him at every hour.

“Yeah.” Changkyun doesn’t look back at him and hides his face into the pillow. “Let’s sleep. Thank you hyung for reading the book. I love you.”

Kihyun shakes his head as he plays the hairs on Changkyun’s nape to comfort him.

“Good night. I love you too.”

Ah If only you do.

After a month Changkyun starts to break again and he get scared. Doctor said the pills work for 6 months but he start to feel the pain and throw up petals again. Wasn’t it supposed to hit him later? He doesn’t know when petals decide to come up so he always feel edgy, acts careful. The members, again, realize Changkyun is eating less and losing the weight he gained last month. He does look like he doesn’t sleep or sleep enough to feel better. They are worried.

They practice for their dance choreography when Changkyun takes a wrong step and falls on Kihyun. It all happens in a moment before Changkyun can comprehend and his every bit of body burns when Kihyun is under him. He feels the build up much faster and gets up like boltning, running away to find a place to hide. He goes to the basement, he knows it’s under construction. He goes inside the bathroom but throws up on the floor before he can get inside the stall. Purple petals fall from his mouth violently and he grasps his knees as he leans forward. His mind is dizzy and he is slipping but he doesn’t fall because someone is holding him.

“It’s okay Changkyun.” He recognise it’s Hoseok. “Just breathe okay?” Hoseok takes Changkyun near the sink, opening the water and splash some on the younger’s face. He pulls a bucket and turns it over for Changkyun to sit and kneels before him to be on the same eye level, holding the younger’s face in his hands. Changkyun feels better after a few minutes and then opens his eyes.

“Hyung… What are you…?” He says as his head goes forward but Hoseok keeps him steady.

“Hey take it easy. Are you with me?” Hoseok snaps his fingers in front of his eyes and Changkyun nods.  
“I’'ve been watching you for a while Kyunnie. Since the check up actually. I – Uh I thought something was off when you went into the doctor’s room so I talked with a nurse. She said cryptic things but I went through your pockets after we came back from hospital and found your prescription.”  
“You looked through my things?” Changkyun says because he just has no idea what else to say.  
“Yeah I’m sorry for that.” Elder throws him an apologetic look.

“So you know.” Changkyun says, his voice raspier due to throwing.

“I’m sorry Changkyun. It’s not me isn’t it? I mean I love you but you are like a brother--” Hoseok says and Changkyun giggles at his words bitterly.

“No hyung it’s not you.” Changkyun tries to stand up, Hoseok helps him. He looks at the purple flowers on the floor. They lay beautifully, looking alive and soft. How is it possible for something so beautiful to hide a deadly truth behind it.

"I read about this sickness. It's rare but it's not unheard of. And you can get cured if you have a surgery." Hoseok says his personal bunny look and talks really hopeful.

"No hyung. I won't have the surgery." Hoseok protests trying to reason with him and Changkyun really appreciates his hyung for trying to take care of him but there are things Hoseok is missing. He will never understand how complete Changkyun feels when Kihyun smiles. How he makes playlists for younger to sleep better or Kihyun's special cinnamon flavoured hot cocoa taste like heaven. No, no one can take these away from him.

"I can deal with this hyung. Pills are working." He lies.

"I will get better I promise." More lies.

"I will be okay."

After that little incident Hoseok becomes some sort of a bodyguard to Changkyun. He always keeps him at eye distance where he can reach the younger when he feels bad or comfort him whenever he needs. Changkyun doesn’t tell the reason he is sick is Kihyun but he guesses the older knows it somehow because he always sits between Kihyun and Changkyun when they watch a movie or takes the plate Kihyun giving to Changkyun and he gives it to younger. He changed the room with Minhyuk who gladly accepted to have a solo room for his own. Sometimes he cuddles Changkyun to sleep when the other feel so much pain. It's nice and Changkyun really appreciate his hyung for doing all these but it doesn't work. He knows it doesn't because he can't even touch the elder now and he wants to feel his skin even if that burns him alive.

They watch a movie like they always do when they have a chance and Changkyun gets up to take a coke because Jooheon finished his. He goes to the kitchen and takes a can from the fridge. He opens and takes a sip before he takes it to Jooheon.

“Changkyun can we talk?” Kihyun touches Changkyun’s arm who flinches and splash the coke in his hand on his shirt. He didn't hear the elder coming and he is surprised but he quickly thinks a reason to get away. He moves away to disconnect himself from the elder who raises his brow when he does that.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“What? I don’t understand what you mean hyung. I gotta go—“ He tries to walk away but gets blocked by Kihyun. Although they are at the same height Kihyun is more lean then him which Changkyun always appreciates but he can’t think about that. He feels that closing feeling in his throat and oh no, it can’t happen he has to go.

“Hyung let me pass.” But Kihyun doesn’t move. He looks upset and angry.

“I’m asking again, what is wrong with you? Why are you avoiding me?”

“No—No hyung I… I don’t.” Changkyun tries to collect his mind but he can’t when Kihyun holds his wrist. The elder’s grasp is not firm but the pain it caused on his chest is unbearable. His mind starts to spin due to hurt but he tries to save his expression.

“Hyung...”

“Kihyun what are you doing? Let him go.” Hoseok rushes in and Kihyun releases his hold. Hoseok comes and holds Changkyun's face and checks him, trying to detect how he is.

Kihyun is looking at the scene in front of him with anger. For weeks he is trying to get to the younger and talk with him. Even a couple of words are fine but no, he can't even stay alone with him for a while and Hoseok is always there. Like he is now. Changkyun rests his head on his shoulder and Hoseok says something to him Kihyun can't hear and that claws inside his chest. They were so close to each other but now the tables have turned and Kihyun has no idea why. He gets angry every time Hoseok pulls Changkyun away but this is the last drop. He can't take it anymore.

“Oh so you let Hoseok hyung touch you but I’m not allowed?” Kihyun yells and if Changkyun’s eyes don’t get blocked by his tears, he could see the elder is almost fuming. The vein in his temple is popped out and his eyes bewildered with anger.

“Cut it off Ki, it’s not like that.” Hoseok waves his hands towards to Kihyun who throws him daggers from his eyes and turns to the younger knowing he is about to collapse. Hoseok supports him by grasping his shoulders and tries to get him take a grip. “Let’s go Kyunnie. Let’s splash some water to your face?” Changkyun barely nods. He tries so hard not to throw up all the petals to the floor.

Hoseok takes him to the bathroom and waits until he is done. When he goes out Changkyun doesn’t tell him that now the petals are slicked with blood. He just smiles at the elder and they go out to buy ice cream.

And He doesn’t see the hurt brunette who watches him from across the room as he leaves.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Changkyun can you come to the living room?” Changkyun hears his leader’s nice voice when he idly lays on his bed and watches videos from youtube. He groans thinking that he should get up and he doesn't want that because he feels really tired these days. He works really hard because their comeback is soon and there is a lot of things to do. Learning choreography, going to photoshoots, mv preparations and many more. They have so much to do but due to his stupid illness Changkyun feels more… drained.

He gets up from his messy bed and goes to their shared living room and finds out that every member is there. Shownu is sitting on the couch next to Hyungwon who doesn’t look sleepy which is unusual. Minhyuk sits on the floor with his small whale plushie. Jooheon and Kihyun sits on the couch. Changkyun can feel everybody’s gaze is on him as he sits next to Hoseok who shakes his head and mutters he has no idea what's going on.

“Hey guys. Are we doing an intervention for Yoshi and Gucci?” Changkyun jokes to ease the tension in the air but it doesn’t work. The members doesn’t say anything but the worrisome look exchange between Kihyun and Shownu catches Changkyun’s attention.

Shownu clears his throat saying “It’s an intervention for you.” carefully and Changkyun knows he is in trouble.

“You seem… off these days Kyun.” Jooheon says with a pout on his face. He rejected the elder rapper more than he can count lately. Said no when he proposed to go to the mall, to the karaoke, have some ice cream together so Changkyun knows he is hurt.

“We know comeback is soon and we practically didn’t get a chance to breath since last march and everybody is so tired but you are taking it really hard.” Hyungwon says leaning to the front and looks at him with a serious eyes. Hyungwon may look like a bean pole who walks around with his blanket but actually he is one of the most observant person in the group. Changkyun really admires him a lot but now he kinda wish he wasn't this keen.

“It’s like you are an ice cube and you are melting away and we can’t freeze you enough to hold yourself together.” Minhyuk says with a hurt voice and clutches his whale in his arms more.  
“You lost a lot of weight. You barely eat Changkyun. Your face is always pale now and…” Kihyun reaches out to touch his hand but Changkyun draws it back instinctively like he is trying to set him on fire. Actually he does set Changkyun’s heart on fire but that’s not the point. Kihyun startles for a second to the coldness coming from the younger and his lip starts twitching. His expression falters, it’s obvious that he is hurt. His eyes get teary but he turns his gaze away and quickly wipes a sliding tear. Changkyun wants to hug him so bad. The members are surprised by his reaction too. They exchange looks amongst each other before anyone say anything but Changkyun wants to wrap this matter up and leave before something he can't control happens.

“Nothing hyungs. I just… Comeback is really... hard that’s it.” He throws a smile at them but it bounce back from their wall like expressions. He starts to feel suffocated, that familiar awful feeling starts to creep towards his belly. He throws a look at Hoseok who understands he feels uncomfortable and gets up saying “I'll go to the bathroom for a second." but Kihyun holds his wrists. "No we will talk." Kihyun says with a stubborn face but the sickening feel builds up more and Changkyun hears a deafening heart beat- his own heart beat at his own ears.  
“I can’t—I can’t do this.” Changkyun throws elder’s away quickly, grasping the collar of his shirt. He runs to the bathroom ignoring any word coming from his friends. He hears his members run after him and barely locks the door before he can throw himself to the toilet.

“Changkyun open the door.” Someone bangs the wood loudly. Changkyun wants to say he is okay, they should go away but petals are making it hard for him to breathe. He scratches his neck, trying to grasp the flesh there thinking he can ease the pain but it doesn’t work.

“Come on open the door!” Hyungwon knocks this time with a scary tone.

He throws up the flower petals but this time it hurts as they leave his lungs. Changkyun cries in pain and feels like each banging of the door is a knock on his head. He can't stand up anymore and he falls to the ground, hard.

The voices stop for a minute.

“Changkyun?” Kihyun whispers but Changkyun hears him. He always hears him. “Changkyun please say something!!”

But Changkyun can't even make a sound let alone saying he is okay. He feels so tired. His eyes sting and his body shivers.

“He doesn’t answer hyung!” Minhyuk yells from the other side, obvious that he is scared.

Changkyun tries to breathe but the pain in his chest stings so much.

“Changkyun listen to me okay?” Changkyun tries to focus on Hoseok's voice. “Take it easy and try to breath.” It doesn't work.

“Move.” He hears his leader faintly say. There are hitting sounds on the door and they keep calling his name until he hear a big crush.

“OH MY GOD CHANGKYUN!” Someone kneels next to him in a hurry, taking his head to their lap.  
“Hyung there is blood!” Older rapper gasps loudly and starts to cry holding Minhyuk who looks like he is about to faint.

There are hands touching his temple, cheeks, wiping away the tears and blood from his face gently but strong.

“Changkyun please, can you hear me?” Kihyun’s voice is beyond worried. His tears drop on Changkyun’s face. He is crying for him. He is sad for him. Even in that state Changkyun feels happy, knowing that Kihyun is worried for him. He barely opens his eyes to look at the scared and teary brown eyes. He slowly reaches and brushes a tear from Kihyun’s cheek. It’s soft, Changkyun thinks.

“Don’t cry hyung. I’m okay.”

And darkness takes him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are at the last chapter!  
> I hope you like the ending and I really debated and altered it a little.  
> Please tell me what you think!!  
> Thanks for comments and kudos you are the best!!
> 
>  
> 
> Side note: I have to do grammar checks etc but I didn't want you guys to wait. I'll do that later.

The waiting time is a nerve wrecking time span if you don’t know anything and the outcome can be something you never imagined. Kihyun hates waiting since he was a kid. He couldn’t wait for christmas present and opened them at night. He couldn’t wait for his teachers to give assignments so he’d finish them before they say. He carried this habit of his with him through years and now he just wishes if only he could be more patient.

“Stop shaking your foot.” Hyungwon says with a nervous tone and Kihyun throws him an angry look which replied by Hyungwon’s gesture at the Minhyuk in his arms. He barely hushed Minhyuk who’ve been crying since they come to the hospital in a rush and Jooheon calmed down after that because they were fueling each other. Shownu is sitting across them and Wonho pats Jooheon’s hair who just looks into space.

It’s so annoying and frustrating. Kihyun just sits there without knowing what’s going on. When Shownu broke the door Kihyun almost fainted at the sight. Changkyun was lying on the floor with petals and torns scattered around, blood leaking from his small lips. His face was white as a sheet as Kihyun rushed to his side taking his head to his lap and tried to brush the blood away with his fingers but they stained the younger boy’s face. He heard Hyungwon calling the ambulance, Hoseok saying somethings to Hyunwo but he couldn’t focus any of them, not when Changkyun looked like he is about to give his last breath. He didn’t know he was crying until Changkyun barely opened his eyes and tried wipe a tear away.

“Don’t cry hyung. I’m okay.” Kihyun almost felt happy because Changkyun opened his eyes but the younger’s hand fell and his eyes closed.

“Changkyun?” Kihyun shook him slowly but got no response. No reply no hum not even a flinch. Nothing. He did shake harder but nothing happen and in a minute paramedics that Shownu lead the way, came and took Changkyun away from him. They all followed the ambulance and came to the hospital and it’s been 2 hours since the doctors took Changkyun.

The door opens and everybody jumps in their place. They rush to the doctor who comes in with a big notebook on his hand.

“Patient Im Changkyun’s friends?”

“How is he?” Minhyuk asks wiping his eyes with his blue sweatshirt’s sleeve. It’s Changkyun’s Kihyun recognize.

“He is a bit ruffed up but he is okay for now.”

“Is he awake?” Hyungwon asks stepping ahead.

“No, but he will be in ten minutes.”

“What happened?” Kihyun asks and everybody go silence. Doctor fixes his glasses and looks back at the papers.

“Which one of you is Lee Hoseok?”

“I’m! I’m Lee Hoseok.” Wonho points himself and shakes his head.

“Since you are the person Mr Im saved as the emergency contact I will leave this matter to you.” The doctor says and leaves the room behind with 5 pair of eyes looking at a nervous guy. Even Jooheon lifted his head from his shoulder and took a few step back at to look at the elder.

“What’s going on Seok?” Their leader asks with a firm tone they rarely hear.

“Do you know something hyung?” Jooheon asks wiping his tears like a kid.

“I do but guys I promised…”

“Cut the bullshit Hoseok tell us what’s going on!” Kihyun snaps angrily. He had enough of all those little whispers and look exchange between the elder and the younger. He wants to know what’s going on and he doesn’t care if he is being rude or not.

“It looks like something important hyung.” Hyungwon says softly, touching the elder’s arm and nod at him when he looks back to make him feel it’s safe to talk. “We are his teammates we deserve to know.”

Hoseok looks like he is debating whether he should say or not. His eyebrows pulled together and after a while he leaves sigh and shakes his head.

“Changkyun is sick. Erm… ”

Jooeheon let’s out a small voice, holding one of his hand on his heart and the other one on his mouth.

“Sick how?” Shownu looks confused but he motions his hands for Hoseok to elaborate.

Hoseok ruffles his hair and purse his lips. “He has hanahaki.”

“Hoseok hyung just tell everything! Stop stopping at every two words!” Minhyuk yells, scaring everyone around him. He immediately regrets doing that and wraps his arms around Hyungwon who holds him.

“It’s a bit private but I guess… Okay.” Hoseok takes a deep breath and looks at them one by one as he talks. “Hanaki is a disease that makes you throw up petals because you are in love with someone who doesn’t love you back.”

The words float on the air and hit every one of them one by one.

What kind of nonsense is this? Kihyun thinks but before he can vocalise his thoughts Hyungwon beats him.

“What kind of nonsense is this? Are you joking?”

“No!” Hoseok immediately shakes his hands. “Believe me, I thought it was a fake thing too but I searched it online, talked to the doctor and you know, we are here now. It can’t be fake.”

“I wish it was fake.” Jooheon let’s out a sob.

“Yeah me too.” Hoseok pats his shoulder to comfort the younger.

“If he throws up petals how about the blood and those torns?” Shownu asks crossing his arms to hold a strong posture but every one of them knows he is dead sick worried.

“I uh… The thing with this sickness is that you just don’t throw up petals. The vines start to surround your chest and eventually rip your lungs and then you…” He silences as everybody wait him to continue but he just lowers his gaze to the ground, shaking his head.

“What?” Kihyun asks with a trembling voice. The hurt in his throat and sting in his eyes tell that he already knows the next words but he doesn’t want to admit.

“You die.”

Nobody say anything because they don’t know what to say. Jooheon cries clinging to Shownu who tries to understand the situation with a sad face. Hyungwon pats Minhyuk’s back and he just cries too.

Kihyun doesn’t know what to think. Changkyun loves someone who doesn’t love him back? That person must be crazy if they don’t think Changkyun is lovable because he deserves love more than anyone. He is the most caring person Kihyun ever met. He always helps Kihyun with housework and takes care of him when he is sick. On Wednesdays he always comes back with chestnut flavored ice cream and gives it to Kihyun because he knows how much the elder likes it and Kihyun knows how far that ice cream place is, yet Changkyun goes there every Wednesday to buy it. Sometimes he just brings flowers to Kihyun, sweets, chocolates. It’s absurd for someone to not love that boy. All these thoughts clash each other and a weird anger fills Kihyun’s chest. It burns and hurts.

“Who is that person? Is she a member from a girl group? Maybe we can talk with her? Does she know?” He asks and everybody turns to Hoseok again but he just shrugs.

“ _He_ doesn’t know.”

“He?” Kihyun asks suprising.

“Changkyun is gay?” Jooheon asks blinking his eyes again and again until Hoseok nods.

“Maybe this is the reason for him to hide this illness.” Shownu says letting out a sigh. “But we are his teammates. We never judge him, no matter what. We love him for who he is. Besides we have Hyungwon and Minhyuk. They’ve been dating for years.” He gestures the black haired couple on his left.

“But that’s different Hyunwoo. We knew they were dating even before debut. I guess Changkyun recently realised this.” Hoseok says shrugging his shoulders.

“When did you learn?” Kihyun wants to know when Hoseok learned about all of this. He thought Changkyun would talk with him instead of Hoseok, that’s why he feels a little hurt.

“I didn’t know about this sickness before Changkyun got it. I suspected there was something wrong with him when we had check ups and kinda stalked him until… You remember that day he fell on you? During dance practice? And he ran out like a bolting?”

Kihyun nods his head, he remembers that day because got so surprised by Changkyun’s behaviour and couldn’t ask him what was going on because Hoseok took him back home early saying he didn’t feel good.

“I learned that day for certain. And then I learned that he’s been sick for almost 4 months.”

4 months? That incident was three weeks ago so for almost 5 months Changkyun is going through this idiotic thing and Kihyun had no idea. He feels stupid for not realizing and gets angry at himself. If he’d be more careful, he could have just talk with the boy if there is something wrong with him instead of getting angry at him when he shut himself.

“But he will be okay right? We are at the hospital they can cure him somehow?” Jooheon clings to Hoseok’s arm and squeeze it tightly like he is holding on something more than an arm, a hope maybe.

“I googled it. They say you can have surgery and get rid of this morbid sickness.” Minhyuk shakes his phone in front their eyes and wipes his tears. His face looks hopeful.

Hoseok puts his hand on Jooheon’s and shakes his head. “He doesn’t want to have surgery.”

“What are you talking about?” Minhyuk’s smile falters and his arms drops to his sides.

“If he had surgery he’d remove his feelings for that person too and Changkyun said he would rather die to not feel warm when he see those chestnut eyes.”

The words sink in Kihyun’s heart like coin sinks in water. His chest gets tighten and it really hurts like someone hit him with a big bat. It’s stupid. Stupid so stupid. The situation is stupid. Changkyun is stupid. How could he not want to get cured? His life is at stake. He should fight for it, not let it g oto waste because some idiot can’t see how beautiful he is.

Jooheon yelp and Minhyuk starts to sniffle again. Shownu caresses his chin, obviously he doesn’t know what to say. He feels hopeless to be honest. He is the leader of this group and one of his member is wasting away and he had no idea until now.

The room is quiet but thoughts are loud until the nurse comes in.

“You can see Mr Im.”

 

 

_It feels nice to be under the warm sunlight when the slow wind passes by and a warm hand on his hair, playing softly with strands, untangling the fringes with gentle touches put a smile on Changkyun’s face. The grass beneath him is soft, small giggling coming from the kids who play games in the park and birds chirping right above the tree he is lying under._

_“What are you thinking?” A whisper reaches his ears as Changkyun’s lips pull up to a smile. He squeezes the hand on his chest, the one he holds in his own._

_“I’m happy.”_

_A laugh comes from the other and Changkyun can imagine how the corner of his eyes crinkled or how his beautiful pink lips parted, showing his stupidly beautiful teeth._

_“I know you are.” The elder continues to play with his hair and a silence falls between them. He stays like that for a while until the hand stop._

_Changkyun feels soft lips touching his forehead and after that he hears the other one whisper._

_“I think it’s time for you to go.”_

_Changkyun shakes his head, protests and whines._

_“No.”_

_Changkyun doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want to leave this place. He feels happy here. Everything is fine. There is no pain no tears… Just him._

_“You have to open your eyes.”_

_Changkyun shakes his head like a kid who doesn’t want to leave a lunapark._

_“I will be there too.”_

_“But you don’t love me there.” Changkyun whines._

_“You know that’s not true. I love you. I will love you.”_

_“Promise?” Changkyun slowly opens his eyes and the most beautiful brown orbits are looking back at him._

_“Yeah. Promise.”_

 

“Hyung he is waking up!!!” Changkyun hears some shuffle and the noises kinda gets louder in his head. His head is ringing and it hurts. The smell tells him that he is in a hospital, the last place he wants to be.

“Jeez Honey hyung please don’t yell.” He opens his eyelids, feeling like somebody is pulling them down and things are blurry when his eyes are open. He blinks a few times to correct his vision and identify the members who are standing around his bed. Shownu and Jooheon stands at his right, Hyungwon and Minhyuk on his left. Hoseok and Kihyun is right across him and there is an apologetic look on his eyes. Everybody is looking like they are sorry, like they are pitying him. Then he remembers what happened, how he ended up this white bed and he just panics. He tries to get up and sits, eyeing the door and thinking if he can reach it without fainting.

“I- uh… I’m okay guys—“

“Changkyun.” He halts and his heart sinks deeper with the voice.

“We know about the sickness Kyunnie.” Jooheon says, touching his hand and they are moisty.

“Is that snot?” Changkyun takes his hand back and tries to look like he is disgusted to take some tension in the air but it doesn’t work because nobody say anything.

“Changkyun you have to have the surgery.” Minhyuk says with a broken voice but Changkyun shakes his head and it’s a bad decision because the room starts to spin.

“Hey wow.” Shownu catches him before he fall forward and he leans to his elders chest, closing his eyes and breathing deeply to calm his mind.

“Changkyun—“

“No.” He opens his eyes and looks at his members.

“Don’t be stubborn like child--” Hyungwon starts but Changkyun cuts him off.

“I said no. I’m not a kid and I know what waits at the end and yes I’ve thought about everything and yes my answer is still no.” He says in one breath. “I’ll ask them to increase the dosage of my pills so you guys don’t have to worry.” He detaches himself from Shownu and lies back on the bed. “Now please stop looking at me with those sad eyes and go have practice or something. I’ll sleep.” He draws the blanket over his head and close his eyes. He knows it’s a childish move like he is sinking his head into the dirt like an ostrich but he doesn’t know what else to do because he have no idea what to say. He waits for as long as he can and peaks over the blanket, finding six pair of eyes are looking back at him.

“Seriously?” Jooheon shakes his head like he’s so done with him and if the situation would be different, they would laugh their ass off.

“I thought it was worth a shot.” Changkyun shrugs his shoulders.

“You have to talk with us.” Kihyun says from across him but Changkyun doesn’t spare a look at him, afraiding he would give himself away.

The door opens and the nurse saves the day, saying she has to check Changkyun and ask members to leave the room. They get out unwilingly and each of them look back at Changkyun, Kihyun leaves the room last.

The doctor comes back after a few minutes as nurse gives him medications. They increased the dosage because his body got used to the first patch which is fine for Changkyun as long as it works. They leave him and Changkyun feels worn out. This time he really buries himself in sheets and sleeps.

 

 

He wakes up a few hours later because he feels cold. Somebody is sitting on the chair next to his bed, a brown head laying on the bed. The sight warms Changkyun’s heart, the vocalist looks so small when he sleeps. Changkyun lets his fingers touch to the soft brown locks and they are like silk, soft and shiny.

“Hyung.” Changkyun gently touches Kihyun’s hand next to his waist, feeling the warm skin without that awful nausea and the elder wakes up looking up at him.

“What? Do you need something?” He gets up blinking a few times. “The others are dealing with doctors and managers. Do you want me to call anyone?”

Changkyun shakes his head slowly. He doesn’t feel like he is gonna throw up so the medication Works and Changkyun decides to use this chance to be close with the elder.

“It’s cold. I mean I feel cold. You’ll get cold too. Come lie next to me.”

Kihyun looks at him like he is evaluating the offer. The bed is not that big. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Come on.” Changkyun moves enough to let Kihyun lie next to him. Kihyun settles, pulling the blanket around them and wraps his arms around Changkyun, pulling him close. Changkyun hides his head in the elder’s neck. He smells nice, Changkyun thinks. Like fresh cut grass and dandelion. He missed doing that. Thanks to those pills he can touch the elder again. It’s a bless really.

“Is he worth it?” Kihyun says with a soft tone and his breath tickles Changkyun’s ear.

“Who?”

“You know who. Don’t play the idiot with me.”

Changkyun thinks what to say and he just gives a simple reply he believed in since the day one.

“Yes he does, hyung.”

Kihyun hums but Changkyun can’t see his face and he can’t lift his head because he is afraid Kihyun will understand.

“It’s okay you know. You can like anyone he or she, it doesn’t matter. I will love you the same.”

Changkyun nods slowly. It’s nice to know Kihyun won’t hate him because he likes boys. He feels a little relieved.

“Why don’t you tell him?”

Changkyun laughs bitterly and he can feel the elder tenses.

“Because I’m selfish. If he learns I can’t never see him again. Our relationship will go sideways.”

Kihyun hums again but Changkyun can’t tell what he is thinking.

“How is he like?”

Changkyun pauses for a second. He thinks about what he should say and what he shouldn’t or he should say anything at all. It’s so weird to lay in the arms of the people you love enough to die and tell him how you love him without giving away that he is the one you are talking about. It’s really a cosmic joke if you can see the humour.

“He is the nicest person I’ve ever seen. He is smart and talented. He smile the brightest. Ah hyung please can’t I just be cheesy later? I feel so tired.” Changkyun sinks deeper into the bed and throws his arm over Kihyun’s waist who pulls him more close.

“Okay.” Kihyun massages his nape and Changkyun feels sleepy. He closes his eyes with a warm heart and a hidden smile.

 

 

Chankgyun checks out from hospital the next day because he feels okay despite his members insist he should stay there. After he is home they try to talk with him one by one but Changkyun brushes them off, one by one. He rests at home for two days more and feels like he is about to pluck his hairs out due to boredom. Changkyun decides he should go back to practice for their comeback and of course his members reject him but he convinces them saying going on with their routine is best for him and if they don’t let him tag alone he will just go anyway. They don’t let him come for three days, they always leave before he wakes up but somehow he is always at the dance studio reading a webtoon when they open the door.

Members try to act like everything is normal because he asked them to but in the back of their heads they all know Changkyun is slowly killing himself and they can’t do anything to prevent it to happen because that little kid is too stubborn. They try to talk with Hoseok who seem to know who the guy is but nothing comes from his mouth. In defeat, they try to live like everything is normal and prepare for their anticipated comeback.

 

 

Jooheon drops his pen and looks at the papers in front of him and plays the beat again.

“What do you think? Do you think this part suits with beat?” He looks at the younger who scrambles somethings to his notepad. They are at the studio since the dawn and arranging their lines, adding and extracting words for Hoseok’s song No Reason. Changkyun slowly bobs his head at the beat and nods, sliding the notepad in front of him to Jooheon.

“What about this part hyung? I changed “don’t take it” to “don’t do that” What do you think?”

Jooheon picks up and reads the scrambled words.

_“I told you I was selfish_

_So please don’t do that, for me_

_I’ll fade away like those flowers say_

_Pluck me again with the hands you catch me”_

Jooheon’s heart aches under the weight of the words. He read this before but they seem more meaningful after he learned about Changkyun’s condition. It’s so hard to see your best friend is fading right in front of your eyes and Jooheon just feels helpless. He tries to hold himself but of course he can’t and he starts to cry. Loudly.

“Hyung what’s wrong?” Changkyun pulls his chair next to him and wipes the elder rapper’s cheeks with his sleeve.

“Changkyun-ah why are you so stupid? Don’t you think about me? What am I suppose to do when you act like this?” Jooheon continues to cry and younger pulls him into his embrace, the song repeats itself at the background with it’s sad melody.

“I’m sorry hyung. I hope you never understand me.” Changkyun says and hugs the elder until he is better. They sit in silence until Changkyun’s phone lights up with message from Kihyun. He says he missed the younger and he wants to catch a series they like so much, asking if he wants to watch it with him.

Changkyun runs back home as fast as he can.

 

 

“Hey Kyunnie.” A black hair pops out from the half open door. “Wanna watch a movie?”

Changkyun looks at the elder and the popcorn bowl in his head then smiles nodding. Minhyuk comes and tugs him to the living room and they settle on the couch.

“Where is Wonnie hyung?”

“He’s sleeping of course.” Minhyuk takes the remote and plays the movie. They watch it giggling, laughing and making stupid jokes to each other. Minhyuk feeds Changkyun with popcorn but drinks all the coke by himself, a bad habit if you ask. The end credits roll and they close the tv with dumb smiles on their face.

“It’s nice to see you smile like that Kyunnie.” Minhyuk pinches his cheeks.

“Because I reflect you hyung.” Changkyun winks and Minhyuk hits his arm playfully muttering ‘ _Idiot_ ’

“How come that person can’t love you? You are an amazing person Changkyun. He misses a lot.” Minhyuk says casually but of course Changkyun knew he would open this subject now or later. And he doesn’t mind talking it with Minhyuk because he is the two people who can understand Changkyun about this matter.

“Because I don’t think he is into guys hyung.”

Minhyuk turns his body towards him, directing all his attention to the younger.

“It was hard for me to accept this by myself and I can’t ask him to question things.”

“Why don’t you just tell him? You don’t have to ask him to love you. Maybe that will help?”

“I don’t want to get rejected hyung. Besides what if I tell him and he says no? What’s gonna happen then? We’ll be awkward around each other and I don’t want that.” He plays with the hem of his shirt.

“But I think he likes you t—“

“It’s okay hyung. Really.” Changkyun smiles and gets up. “Thank you for the movie hyung. I really had fun.”

 

 

The opening of the door makes Changkyun flinch because he was so into the game he was playing and it’s a horror game where you hide from monsters so the noise really startled him. The tall, slim figure known as Hyungwon comes into the room and pulls a chair next to the younger.

“Minhyuk would kill you if he learns you are sitting on his chair again.” He laughs, his cheeks looks puffy and it’s obvious he just woke up.

“He has to get in line.” Changkyun says but when Hyungwon’s expression falls he gets he screwed up and quickly adds. “I mean I’m wearing shorts now. That’s an evolvement for me hyung.” He smiles enough to make elder smiles a second later too. Hyungwon joins him in the game and they play for hours until Kihyun calls them for dinner. Before they get out of the door Hyungwon stops the younger by holding his arm.

“Changkyun-ah I’m sorry for what you are going through and I’m sorry that I can’t help you but I’m here if you want anything. I can beat up that guy if you want.” He shows his fist to Changkyun who covers it with his small hands.

“Thank you for saying this hyung. I really appreciate it. Thanks a lot.” Changkyun smiles, showing his dimples and Hyungwon pinches it with adoration. He backhugs the younger and they walk into the kitchen like that.

Kihyun throws them a look and detaches Hyungwon from Changkyun and pulls the younger a little to his side.

“Stop acting like a kid bean pole.”

“Stop acting like an asshole shortie. He is my friend.” Hyungwon throws an annoying look and pulls the younger next to his side but Kihyun doesn’t let him. Changkyun really amuses with the situation so he just giggles at his hyungs.

“Where is your sticky boyfriend? Go pull this koala act on him.” Kihyun pushes Hyungwon away and he kinda flies to the other side of the room making Kihyun laugh.

“He is _my_ Kyunnie.” Kihyun pulls Changkyun to himself and pinches his cheeks as he continues to smile. His lips are curved up so beautiful and the aura he radiate is so bright. Changkyun wants to capture this moment in his mind so he just stares until Shownu rushes into the room and sits on the chair.

“Guys what are you doing? Come on let’s eat.”

Kihyun nods his head and let’s Changkyun go, something he really doesn’t want. Younger goes sitting in his place and they eat the meals chatting and laughing.

As always.

 

 

“Changkyun-ah are you ready?” The elder comes into room to check Changkyun who is trying to fix his hair. He wears a dark red shirt and black jeans with black converses but he feels undressed when Shownu walks in with a beige sport jacket, dark denim and white shirt.

“Hyung should I change my clothes? You look really cool, nobody will notice me if I tag along with you.” Changkyun giggles as Shownu fixes his hair.

“It’s just a party Changkyun, everybody will be too drunk to notice us. Come on.” He pulls the younger out of the room and they join the others in the car.

“They were saying let’s go but I stopped them.” Minhyuk says happily and everybody laughs at him because he was the one pestering Hoseok to drive off.

Changkyun goes back and sits next to Kihyun. He is so happy to do that without afraiding of throwing up petals because the new pills are really strong and their effect is amazing. At first Changkyun was feeling that familiar sting despite the pills but now he barely feels an itch in his chest when he touches the elder.

Kihyun wears a blue knitted shirt and a dark denim with a brown coat. He styled his head to the back, leaving his forehead open. A deadly sight indeed. Changkyun wonders why he is not throwing up petals right there.

“You look good Kyunnie.” He says and Changkyun thanks to heavens that it’s night time and street lights are dim enough to hide his blush.

They arrive to the big house and they get in, greeting their friends. Many of their idol friends are there and after a while everybody finds their friends. Jooheon talks with Jackson next to the fireplace and they can’t decide which gummy bear is better the coke or fruit flavored. Hoshi tails around Shownu and asks him all kinds of questions about the dance moves, making the older one laugh at his cuteness because he is an amazing dancer already. Minhyuk and Hyungwon found a friend they knew from their previous company and they talk about the old days. They really don’t miss it. Hoseok sneaks around the snack bar and debates on if he should eat salty or sweet. Changkyun sits at the corner and Giriboy snaps his fingers in front his eyes.

“Hey where is your mind?”

“Kihyun hyung…” He replies. His mouth acts before his brain when he drinks. ”I couldn’t see him for a while.” Changkyun says, eyes roaming over the room crowded with people and he feels restless. He gets up shaking his empty glass in front of Giriboy a little much and making him flinch, he says he will get a refill and walks to the kitchen. He gets another cup of beer and drinks it slowly as he walks looking for Kihyun and he finds him. He is in the hall, leaning to the wall giggling. Changkyun smiles and is about to call his name only to stop himself when he sees a girl playfully hit Kihyun’s arm. The burn in his chest doesn’t go away with the beer. He turns back to the kitchen throwing his glass god knows where and takes a bottle instead. And after a while he kinda blacks out.

Kihyun finds Changkyun half an hour later, drunk in a room upstairs. He wanted to find him sooner but many of their friends cluthed him to talk until he excused himself for bathroom and started look for Changkyun. Mingyu told him he saw Changkyun crawling to the upstairs so Kihyun checked every room, finding the younger in a small bedroom. The room is dark and the only light is provided by the moon outside but Kihyun can see the younger’s figure sitting on the floor and leaning to bed with his head inside his hands. He gets in closing the door but he knows the younger knows he is there so he just goes and sits next to him.

“Whatsss are yaa doing here?” Changkyun slurs and Kihyun just can tell that he drank the whole bottle without checking it.

“Changkyun I uh…” He doesn’t know actually. He just wanted to find Changkyun asap when he can’t see the boy around. “I was worried about you.”

Changkyun giggles like he is laughing at some inside joke. He lifts his finger, pointing at Kihyun.

“You… You take care of whatever you want and leave me with this.” He points himself on the chest.

“I can’t do that. You don’t look well.”

Changkyun throws his head to the back and laughs.

“I’m not well. I’m sick and I’m dying. But you know what hurts more than throwing up those torns and petals? Seeing the person you love with someone else and knowing that person next to them, will never be me.”

Changkyun starts to cry and it breaks things inside Kihyun.

“I thought I could take it you know? And I can take it. I really can. I just… I just can’t bear to see… with anyone hyung. I feel like my chest is open and my heart is burning and those smiles stabs daggers into it. I can’t breathe.” Changkyun clutches his chest and it’s like he is living the things he talks about. Kihyun doesn’t know what to do nor what to say so he reaches and pulls the younger into his chest. He wants to kill that guy who is so stupid and blind.

“I’m sorry Changkyun-ah. I’m really sorry.” He pats the younger boy’s hair as he cries.

“Hyung…” Changkyun draws back from his chest to look at him. “It hurts.” His eyes are puffy, his cheeks are blushed and his lips are glossy. Maybe it’s because Kihyun drink a lot or maybe he didn’t drink enough, he doesn’t think what he does until he realizes he is holding the younger’s neck and pulling him for a kiss. When Changkyun’s lips meet with his own, Kihyun feels a warm feeling splashing inside his chest. The younger’s lips are soft and warm, they taste fruity wine. Kihyun feels his heart getting too big for his ribs and he can feel the younger’s pulse going wild under his palm. He doesn’t know how much it lasted, maybe 3 seconds maybe 2 minutes but when he draws back, he feels dizzy.

“Changkyun-ah I—I’m sorry.” He looks down at the younger in his arms but Changkyun’s eyes are already closed, head on Kihyun’s shoulder. Changkyun looks so fragile, so delicate and Kihyun wants to protect him.

 

 

“It’s medication time.” Hoseok pokes the big blanket hurdle that Changkyun hides in. He was sleeping because the practice was too tiring. He took a shower and throw himself to the bed as soon as he reached home. The others were still practising when Changkyun left the building, only Hoseok tagged along because he forget his music sheets. Also Changkyun feels down because of that party a few days ago. He felt really bad when he saw Kihyun with that girl because it reminded of him that Kihyun will never love him. He’s been avoiding the elder since then.

“Hyung~~” Changkyun whines but gets up anyway, taking the pills from Hoseok and swallows them.

“How do you feel lately? You throw up less than last month. And I don’t think you throw up since the party.” He combs the younger’s hair with his fingers. Changkyun thinks and Hoseok is right. He feels a lot better than last month and he really threw up less. Plus the petals are not bloody which is weird too. Changkyun remembers doctor said the pills won’t cure him but maybe he was wrong. Maybe they played with the chemicals combination and miraculously found a way to cure this.

“I feel better really but not just right now. I’m so tired. That choreography is too hard. I’m this close to turning into an alligator.” Changkyun pouts cutely and Hoseok pinches his cheeks, cooing.

“Wanna cuddle with me?” Hoseok asks and Changkyun immediately nods, he likes to sleep with Hoseok because he plays with his hair every time. He snuggle to the elder and the other draws circles to his back, relaxing him. They just sleep like that.

When he wakes up finding his next is empty, Hoseok is not there Changkyun surprises but then he remembers the elder did tell him he will go to gym before they fall asleep. Changkyun hears his stomach growling and he remembers he didn’t eat anything since yesterday. He gets up feeling rested and well, making his way to the kitchen. Maybe he should do ramen or eat chips. It’s a though decision when you don’t know how to cook.

“Changkyun.”

Oh shit. Changkyun feels his spine shivers with the voice and he swallows really hard. The voice comes from his right where the kitchen table is and he can see the elder getting up from the chair he was sitting on, wiping his palms on his pants. He looks a little bit nervous.

“Hyung.” Changkyun swallows again. “I thought you were at the studio.”

Kihyun scratches his neck and he acts bashful which is odd because Yoo Kihyun is the personification of pride. Yes Changkyun is madly in love with him but Kihyun never gets shy so this is weird.

“I was… But then I remembered you didn’t eat since yesterday so I came early and make some food.” He gestures the soup bowl on the table.

“Thank you.” Changkyun reluctantly sits on the chair and Kihyun sits too. He looks unsure of what to do so Changkyun reaches and takes the spoon, starts to eating the soup and it’s the best thing he ever tasted.

“Changkyun um…” Kihyun fidgets with his fingers on the table. He looks so adorable. “I want to say that I’m not sorry for the thing that happened at the party but I’m sorry for avoiding you since that day. I needed to think and figure somethings out.”

Changkyun drops his spoon into the bowl. He probably saw Changkyun looking at him and Sooyeon at the hall. Changkyun feels tears pooling in his eyes as he slowly nods. His chest hurts but it’s a normal thing for Changkyun now. He looks at Kihyun whose face is unreadable. Of course he is not sorry. Why would he be? He can like whoever he wants, Changkyun can’t tie his heartstrings to his own, right? But that doesn’t mean Changkyun should sit there and talk with him about his love life.

“I think I’m full.” He gets up but Kihyun grabs his arm, stopping him from going.

“But you didn’t eat anything.”

“I said I’m full.” Changkyun tries to shake him off but Kihyun doesn’t let him.

“But Kyunnie you have to…”

“Why do you care? If you are so hungry go eat with your precious Sooyeon!” Changkyun can’t hold back and yells, making the other one flinch. Kihyun loosens his hold but doesn’t let go.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“You know what it is. Just go have a date with her. Why are you stuck here with me?”

“Why should I go on a date with her?”

“Oh please hyung I’m not blind. I see how you look at her. You are always next to her. At award shows, music shows. You were with her even at that stupid party 3 days ago!”

“Changkyun whatever you are thinking it’s not true. I don’t like her. Besides about the party… I need to talk with you about another thing.”

“Huh that’s so funny because I think you do.”

“Why the hell are you yelling at me? You are the one who is dying because you are too coward to ask that idiot out!”

“Because I know that idiot will not accept me hyung!”

“How do you know if you never asked!”

“Because I know!”

“How Changkyun? You should—“

“Because it’s you!” Changkyun covers his hands on his mouth as soon as the words left it. He doesn’t believe what he just said. Kihyun’s eyes goes bigger and his mouth falls open. He blinks his eyes over and over again.

“What?”

Well, there is no turning back.

“It’s you hyung. I’m dying because I can’t give up this stupid, burning love even though I know you like someone else! Which is fine. I’m fine it’s okay. I don’t want anything from you. It’s okay.” He tries to go away but Kihyun tightens his hold again.

“No it’s not okay Changkyun. It’s not okay at all. You’ve been sick the whole time because of me?” Kihyun tries to look at is eyes but Changkyun avoids him.

“Tell me. Are you sick because of me?” Kihyun holds his chin and turns Changkyun’s eyes to look at himself.

“Yes.” Changkyun admits in defeat. His lips twitch as his tears slide down through his cheeks. He covers his face with his hands, palms pressing into his eyes while he cries. He can’t look at Kihyun, he just can’t bear to see his pitiful eyes. When hands hold him and circles around him, he doesn’t look at him too.

“I’m sorry hyung.” His body shakes in Kihyun’s arms. ”I’m sorry for being so stupid. I’m sorry that I can’t control it. I don’t want you to feel burdened. That’s the last thing I want. I’m sorry.”

“I like you too.”

“I know hyung, thank you but—“

Kihyun retreats and tugs Changkyun’s hands, he resists but eventually drops his hands. Kihyun cups his cheeks and makes him look at those beautiful chestnut eyes. Kihyun wipes his tears but they just keep rolling.

“I’m sorry for making you miserable but I’m telling you the truth Changkyun. I like you. I really like you.”

Changkyun places his hands on Kihyun’s wrists, looking at his eyes with his teary ones. Kihyun brushes his thumbs over Changkyun’s blushed cheekbones. He places his other hand on Changkyun’s waist and the younger is kind of glad to him for doing that or else he would faint. They are so close to each other and all of this is too much.

“Really? Do you really like me?” He asks with big eyes reflecting the doubt and fear he feels and Kihyun nods leaning on his forehead. He places a kiss on Changkyun’s red nose and younger chuckles, making Kihyun’s palm get warmer.

“Yeah I really like you.”

“How? I mean I thought you were not into guys.” Changkyun asks. He is still not sure if Kihyun is really real about his feelings.

“Until I met you I thought I wasn’t.” Kihyun smirks and Changkyun can’t calm down the butterflies in his stomach. “I think it was always at the back of my head but I couldn’t Wrap my stupid head around until I realize you may love another person and it kinda freaked me out. I didn’t want to lose you. I wanted to protected you and after the party I was sure.”

Changkyun can’t stop smiling and staring at the elder’s face. Kihyun likes him back. He may even love him back one day. It’s a small hope but it’s enough for Changkyun to hold on and feel fireworks blowing inside his chest.

“So what are you saying? Should we go on a date?” Kihyun circles his hands around the younger’s waist and presses him to his chest. Changkyun nods like a cute puppy, his dimples are decorating his cheeks beautifully.

“I would die to do that.”

“No please don’t.” Kihyun chuckles and presses a soft kiss on younger’s pink lips.

“Let’s live happily ever after.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congrats for ending this story!! I hope you like it^^  
> So what do you think?

**Author's Note:**

> Hoseok is my baby. He really is a good friend and Changkyun poor stupid boy who is madly in love.
> 
> So what do you think?? Talk to me :))


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